This is the Life (for me)

finding direction.

Carla — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 02:58:59 +0000

I have so much I want to write about. Really, I do. But I am finding that maybe writing about all of it all in one setting is not appropriate. Or maybe it is? Do people really care about reading about Jesus, finances, my child, and my life all in one place? I mean it is all linked, right?

I don’t really know what to do. I wish I could afford an IT person for my 0 followers blog, so that I could get pages that were all linked together. That would be nice. Or some major IT intelligence dust sprinkled on my pillow at night so that I could do this all myself.

What is sad, is that at least with Blogger, I could make my page pretty myself. With WordPress, I am not so talented. BUT- I like the interface and workings of WordPress much better than Blogger. So GRRR, what do I do. I do not know. I do not know.

Anyone want to help? Anyone have suggestions? Should I split up my blog and focus on only one topic of my life? And what would you want to read about? I will write want I want to write about, but what would you want to read? What is most intriguing to you? Religion? Finances? My daughter? Let me know. Please.

I WON!!!

Carla — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 18:07:26 +0000

I won a Sophie!

I can’t believe it!

These things are great and hopefully Maggie likes it!

That is all.

4 month check up, 5 months

Carla — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 18:55:30 +0000

Today, Maggie and I headed to the Naval Hospital to have her 4 month check up (just three days shy of her 5 month birthday). She is a growing little girl. She weighed in at 14 pounds 4 ounces, 26 inches long, and has a head circumference of 16.25 inches. (Stats at birth: 9lbs 6oz, 20 inches long, 14.5 inch head circumference.) And the doctor said she is doing great, but is getting a little worried that Maggie still has some cradle cap and suggested getting Head and Shoulders to help it finish disappearing.

She did have to get two shots . But she did wonderfully. She only cried for a few minutes and then has either been happy or sleeping ever since. With no signs of a fever or sensitivity.

But on the other side of this appointment, it was also about me. And it was about my anxiety and about my depression. And it was agreed that I need intervention. So I was prescribed Zoloft and told to get counseling (along with referrals as to where I should go). Hopefully, this will help and hopefully I can go. I don’t exactly have a babysitter to watch Maggie and I don’t think counseling will be effective if I were to take her with me. We shall see how this all works out. And unfortunately I can’t do anything as far as counseling until AFTER I get back from Florida. That’s almost a month away. I get back from Florida on May 18th.

Anyone dealing with PPD/depression/anxiety and having any coping mechanisms that they would like to share with me? I don’t want this to affect my life anymore. I don’t want to feel like I should just sulk in the bed everyday (and well, I am a mother- sulking in bed everyday is NOT an option). I need coping mechanisms because I can only take a small dose of Zoloft since I am breastfeeding and can leak into the breastmilk.

Anyways, that is all for now. See you guys soon.

$6080.01

Carla — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 17:48:06 +0000

That is the amount of debt my husband and I have paid off on just 4 months! Great, huh?

And should I add we have save over $3000 for an emergency fund, vacation, car repairs, et cetera?

And I will add even more. We have spent $500 to fix Scott’s car. Spent about $1000 on clothes and necessities for Scott, Maggie, and I. We still go out to eat at least twice a month. We still buy name brand diapers. We still get “blow money” every month. We had an emergency trip to Florida that included extra grocery shopping, extra gas, a plane ticket, and extra things to make my mom more comfortable.

But my heart still sinks when I look at our total debt amount and I know that we could sacrifice even more to pay it off even faster. I know that we could have forgone new clothing and bought used, but we got great deals (and I kind of have a used clothing weirdness). I know we could have paid off more when we received all the extra money (bonus, my working for three weeks, tax refund) than we did. I know that we could probably have doubled that number of debt paid off year-to-date. But you have to enjoy the money you earn a little right? (And okay, I know “enjoying” our money doesn’t equal $6000, but we did some necessities too. Can we say baby gates?)

AND we have stuck to our budget almost perfectly. Have we had to make changes every single month to add in things that come up? YES. Have we tapered off sometimes how much we are putting toward our debt? Sometimes. Could we forgo going out to eat? YES. But would we start to resent our efforts? YES. Have we made HUGE strides in sticking to a budget and started to pay off our debt? YES!

And although we could be doing “better”, we are doing great. And we are getting on a path that we want to be on. And we are going to be debt free in a few years. And we will be debt free (with the exception of a house) for the rest of our lives. No matter what the sacrifice we have to make in the future, this is the life we want to live. This is the way we want to raise our daughter (and future child(ren)).

Dave Ramsey is my HERO!

Day and night #1

Carla — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 12:22:44 +0000

So yesterday, Maggie and I’s day started at about 7am, a normal time for us. She would normally go down for a nap around 8am, but without being swaddled, that didn’t work. We spent 3 hours going from rocking to screaming to playing, but notice sleeping is not included in that list. We then had an errand to run so she napped in the car. This nap was important and so I even made a trip to a friend’s house just to prolong being home.

Maggie slept until about 2pm for that nap. And after that nap we played in the floor, where Maggie proceeded to roll over from tummy to back FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME! And Scott came home and played some more. But then it was time to attempt another nap. So we laid her down and let her cry for about 5 minutes. I then went and held her hands to her chest for a duration of the Seahorse. And she was asleep by 4:15 pm. That’s right ASLEEP! And she slept until about 5:30 pm. It was great.

And so then she ate milk and cereal and had her bath. We then laid her back down for the night at about 7:15pm. And again I held her little hands to her chest and she was asleep within just a few minutes (well one playing of the Seahorse).

She then slept blissfully from 7:15pm until 8:30pm (feed), from 8:45 to 10:15 (clean up her throw up and feed), from 10:50pm to 2:15am (feed), from 2:15am to 4:15am (flip back over to back from tummy), and from 4:15am to 7:15am (awake for the day). Getting her back to sleep at each wake up just required a little rocking, shh-ing, or holding hands. But she was a champ.

It went much better than I thought and we both got a fair amount of sleep. Now we are working on Nap #1 today, but in general, naps are always worse than night time. And so she fights sleep.

Operation Unswaddle Day and Night 1- SUCCESS!

De-swaddling.

Carla — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 13:57:58 +0000

So Maggie has been getting out her swaddle more and more frequently. Three times last night. Unfortunately I knew this would come, when even the escape-proof swaddle would not contain her. But I was just hoping it wouldn’t be yet. I was planning on doing this at 6 months, not shy of five. But I guess now is a good a time as any.

I am just not looking forward to the napless days and sleepless nights. As I posted on Facebook, anyone want to be my barista for a few days while we de-swaddle the Maggaroni?

Pray for us. Pray for my husband. I get cranky when I don’t get enough sleep. I also will be camping out upstairs for now until this gets better. Pray this takes just a few days. Pray we can do this.

Can you tell, I am scared?

the momma.

Carla — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 02:26:47 +0000

So if you keep up, you know what happened to my mother in January of this year. If not, please read back a few posts and catch yourself up.

Good news on this home front. My mom has been without pain medication (which she was addicted to and probably had a huge part in her actions) for over 3 weeks now. She had to pick smoking back up, but her counselor said that was a smart thing to do. The counselor said to give up one bad habit at a time to help reduce some of the anxiety.

And we had the best conversation we have had in over two years Thursday on the phone. I was almost literally jumping for joy when we hung up, because I feel like I am slowly getting my mommy back. A title of endearment that she lost as her addiction ate away at her and all the relationships she had.

And because of this, my husband and I spoke. We are going to be hosting my mom for a month come May 19. I am excited. The last time I saw her she was laying in a hospital bed, depressed, unlike her true self and at the mercy of the law. Today she is thriving and growing and she will be mine, ALL MINE, for an entire month. I am excited for this. REALLY EXCITED!!!

I will update more when this all happens, but we are buying her plane ticket at the end of the week and it will be set in stone (as much as it possibly can).

check that one off the list

Carla — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 02:21:33 +0000

As of Wednesday of last week, I committed myself to a study Bible. It’s the life application study Bible (found here). I have looked at this Bible several times and love that it has lots of study notes built in that help you actually apply what you are reading to your own life. It does not leave this type of application up to you. And for me, that’s important, because unfortunately when it comes to comprehension of the Bible, I fail.

I can’t wait to receive said Bible in the mail, but the company for which I ordered it from ships Parcel post (aka the snail mail of snail mail). So I should have by :gasp: the end of the month. Until then, I am going to continue using the Bible I have to read my Christianity 101 book. And when I get my Bible will start ready Sitting at the Feet of Rabbi Jesus.

I am REALLY excited to really start this journey head on when I receive my Bible.

Same Kind of Different As Me

Carla — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 14:30:32 +0000

As I mentioned in my last post, I was reading the book Same Kind of Different As Me. This book is humbling, this book is moving, this book is sad and joyous, and this book makes you feel as if you are in the middle of the friendship that is described in the book.

Without giving away the book, it is a about Denver Moore- a modern day slave who grew up on sharecropping farms in Louisiana. He also did a stint in the Angola prison, which was a working prison. This was after he turned himself in for a crime. He had also become a homeless man, as he did not know how to read or write. All of this over a sixty plus year life when the book starts.

Ron Hall is an art dealer, a multi-million dollar man, who over the life of the book, builds about 5 homes (I lost count). Mr. Ron, is married to Mrs. Debbie, who has found that living a Christian life, to include whole-heartedly ministering to and helping the homeless is what makes her happiest. Mr. Ron joins her for the journey as he says that her happiness means everyone else’s happiness.

Without getting too detailed, the story goes that Denver and the Hall’s, specifically Mr. Ron become friends, life-long friends, who show each other the world that each live. Mr. Ron taking Denver to coffee houses and restaurants. Denver showing Mr. Ron the ghetto, the homeless “jungle”. And they grow together, each learning from each other over their friendship. The story of their friendship explores overcoming first impressions, learning to trust, and learning to live. It explores the faith of a man who loses his wife and the good that came from her life and how one person can change a city just by caring unconditionally.

During this book I cried and I laughed and I smiled. And I highly recommend the book to anyone interested in taking a journey back in time, to Texas, and to God.

My journey into faith

Carla — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 03:31:07 +0000

As some of you know, and many of you do not, my mother attempted to commit suicide on January 13th, 2010. Almost three short months ago, just days before my daughter turned two months old. But with this my heart leaped out of my chest. My mind raced. I felt alone. With everyone standing beside me, even holding the hand of my mother hooked up to more machines than I could count, I felt alone.

And I soon figured out why. I am a Christian. I pronounce that I am a Christian. I believe in Jesus Christ, that he is our Savior, and that his death and resurrection saved me from an eternity in hell. But while I believed in Christ and while I am a Christian. I did not live as a Christian. I did not believe as a Christian. And I wanted to not just believe in Christ, but to have a relationship with him.

But while I wanted this, I had no idea where to start. I was not raised in a religious house. I have attended church haphazardly my entire life. And I was never a studier of the Bible. I was never one to live like Jesus lived, and I certainly was never one to love all as Jesus loved. And so on February 14th, my husband and I went to church for the third time in our entire marriage (one of those visits being our wedding) and I listened to Pastor Jason spread the word of “making love a verb” and staying in love with your spouse forever. And something changed inside of me. Something moved. And I was whole.

Now I will say this, I know this journey is going to be a long one, but I can say this, Jesus is in my life and He is here to stay. And my journey has continued beyond the pew of Sunday morning service. My husband and I are in a class, Christianity 101. And I am learning from a theological standpoint the pillars of Christian faith. The first is that God is the revelation. And that this revelation is shared with us through the Bible. And one of my biggest issues with faith was put to rest.

My fear- that I’ll never understand my faith because I do not understand the Bible. But in the book we are studying, it is said that we should live well with what we do understand, and humble ourselves to admit we do not understand the other. We are fallible. We are human. And we cannot be expected to understand and live perfectly the teachings of the Bible.

This goes further than this. As I stated before I have never studied the Bible. I have committed one Bible verse to memory and to heart. Want to guess what it is? John 3:16. But I am going to study. I am going to learn. I am going to rent, buy, borrow, read any book I can get my hands on to help my learn the Bible. Even if it means reading my daughters children’s Bible to get a rough outline of how it all goes. And currently I am on a mission to find the Life Application Study Bible NIV at a price I can afford (because yes, I am still on a budget). And the first book (other than that for Sunday school) is going to be Sitting at the Feet of Rabbi Jesus. And I am looking forward to sitting down at night with my Bible and this book and learning and humbling myself to the Jewishness of Jesus. Because He was a Jew.

I am also reading Same Kind of Different as Me. This book is about a modern day slave, turned vagabond, and the relationship he gains through homeless ministries and socialites- Mr. and Mrs. Ron Hall. I am only half way through this book, and will review it more thoroughly when I finish. But I already feel the power of God and his workings in people’s hearts.

And I am resolved to teach my children my faith. I am resolved to help them spiritually so that they never feel alone when they have a broken heart, as I had on January 13 when I got by far the worst phone call of my life to date. They will grow and blossom, but they will hopefully come to know Jesus as their Savior. And they will hopefully see Jesus’ work through me as I hopefully change and grow and learn throughout a life long journey to live with God, not just believe in Him.

(And my mother is better, she is having some mental issues and fighting a drug addiction, but she is alive, she is breathing cleaner air, and she realizes her life has to change. She admits her wrong doing, but we praise God that she has a second chance. A chance to be a mother, a wife, a grandmother again. Because I cannot imagine a world with out my mom.)

If you pray please pray for both my spiritual journey and for my family who is healing ever so slowly from the terror of my mother’s actions. And please pray for her healing and for continued improvement.